I have been a pastors wife for 17 years. I was a young 19 years old when I married and my husband accepted his first pastorate. Looking back, I realize I knew nothing. Seriously, nothing. I knew how to stand at the back of the church dutifully by my husbands side and shake hands with sweet people who really didn’t know me. I did this for many, many years. Throughout those early years in ministry I tried really hard to be a supportive, strong, encouraging leader in our churches. I really wanted people to like me. So in order for people to like me, I needed to dress the part, serve in every area effortlessly and make sure they didn’t know any of my deep struggles and God forbid they know any of my sin. It was exhausting and lonely and I was stuck.
Healing is a choice
Lately, I have had the beautiful privilege of counseling with brave women. Women who have chosen to trust me with their pain. Women who no longer want to be bound by past hurts and daily struggles. Women who choose healing. We do not get to escape sorrow, pain or suffering. We live in a broken world, aching for redemption and our hearts are wounded. We live and breathe and long for peace. We go to battle with the flesh. We go to battle with our husbands, our children and our friends. We search for answers and fulfillment all the while our hearts are wounded and our souls ache.
Healing is a choice. It begins when we allow someone to enter into our struggle and to bear our burden. Freedom is found when we share our story and push our wounds into the healing light and out of the shameful dark. We overcome when we apply the sweet salve of God’s truth to our broken hearts and aching souls. We heal when our souls are laid bare and we brace ourselves for the condemnation that is sure to follow and we are overwhelmed with the goodness of radical, scandalous grace.
We we’re made for more. We were designed to demonstrate the strength of the Savior through our weakness. Why then do we pretend to be so strong? We can BOAST of his mighty power through us. This broken, aching, mess of a world is no match for the sustaining, overwhelming, and matchless grace of God. Choose healing, tell your story, apply God’s truth, and be wrapped in His arms of grace. Be still and be loved.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ”~Galatians 6:2
When Jesus Speaks
It happened again. It usually comes out of nowhere when I least expect it. Feelings of hurt, pain and insecurity creep back in and go from a dull whisper to constant chatter. I sat in my car at a red light recounting the hurt, every feeling of anguish and bitterness. I wallowed in the self-pity of it all, feeling rejected and alone. I reached out to my husband for comfort. He did not disappoint with his words. They were words of truth and should have been a sweet salve to my brokenness. But his words were no match for the constant chatter of lies. I lashed out to him. I drove to my office. As I began to try and go about my work, another voice persistently whispered to my heart. “Talk to me”.
Jesus was drawing me to Himself. I shut my computer, opened God’s word and let the lover of my soul speak. When Jesus speaks, my heart is softened. When Jesus speaks, the lies vanish. When Jesus speaks, I am empowered. When Jesus speaks, I love generously. When Jesus speaks, I am set free.
So many times in my life I have looked to others for the affirmation my soul thirsts for. I’m learning that the truth of scripture, the love of my Savior is the foundation I must live my life upon. I’m leaning into Jesus today and listening for His voice. He’s speaking grace over me. What is Jesus saying to you today?
photo credit: A Guy Taking Pictures
It’s Always Sunny In California
So maybe it’s not always sunny in California, however it’s pretty amazing most of the time. I have spent some time on my blog reflecting on the difficulty in adjusting to our move to SoCal and wouldn’t you know it, just as I’m really settling in, God is calling our heart’s “back home” to Arkansas. I wanted to just take a few minutes and share the things I really love about our current home and ministry.
- Saddleback Church – It is hard for me to describe how I feel about this community of believers. Being part of this movement has been one of the most unbelievable experiences of my life. To think that God loves Brandon and I so much that he would “pluck” us up out of Arkansas and place us here to learn from some of the most influential leaders in the world is amazing. I know that our time here has been a gift and am determined to not waste what God has given us. I am not the same person I was a year ago-much of that is due to the influences of this church, especially fellow pastors and wives that have come along side our family to love us and encourage us. God has his hand on this church and her leaders and to be a part of it has simply been spectacular.
- The Weather – I have to admit the thought of returning to the heat and humidity has me a little sad. I will miss the constant sunshine and sweet breezes. I completely understand why so many people choose to make SoCal home despite the high cost of living.
- Adventure – Their is always something new to discover or explore. We have experienced endless possibilities of places to shop, swim, hike, explore. We live halfway between San Diego and Los Angeles and 5 miles from beautiful Laguna Beach. It’s easy to adopt a “beach bum” mentality here, and I like it!
- No Bugs – Seriously, I’ve seen a couple. We leave our doors and windows open year round and their are no fly’s or mosquito’s. It’s a beautiful thing!
- Small Group – My experience of what it means to live in community has been expanded due to these great families. Brandon and I have learned from them and been loved on by them. As we prepare to plant “Grace Hills” we know that we have 3 incredible families committed to praying for us. They know our hearts and see our flaws and love us anyway. We are grateful they welcomed us in and we will be better “church planters” because of them.
- Staying at home-This past year I have had the double blessing of being at home with both of my babies. I have been able to take care of little Sam, watch him grow and be a part of the day to day nurturing of our little man. I don’t take this for granted as I know there are many mom’s out there who must hold down a full-time job while being a full-time mom. When Ella was a baby, I worked outside the home and so I recognize the gift I have been given this past year. I also was able to stay at home with Ella and home school her this year. It has been a joy (most of the time)! The real delight has been in seeing her interact with her baby brother-they have a sweet bond that I pray will last forever! When we return to Arkansas, I will be returning to work and Ella will be returning to school (Life Way Christian School). I will cherish this time I had with them always!
This list could go on and on. I really do love the life God has given us here. He has been so good to give us exactly what we needed. He shook us up and refused to let us be “comfortable” in ministry. This move to California has instilled in us the value of taking risks for the cause of Christ. I’m so ready for what’s “next”….but I’m gonna enjoy every minute of the “now”!