I was a pastor’s wife.
I have had a difficult time in motivating myself to blog on our recent move to Southern California and Saddleback Church. The right words are hard to find to express how I’m feeling and how life has changed. And I guess if I’m honest, sometimes it changes from day to day. But the real truth is-it’s hard. It’s not just a little hard, but has been the most difficult transition in my adult life. I am grieving over life as I have known it for the last 13 years as a Pastor’s wife. I keep expecting that one day I’m gonna wake up and suddenly be “okay” with my new life-but that has yet to happen.
Oh, I can put on a pretty good front and brave face. I’m good at smiling and when asked how we’re doing saying “oh, good” or sometimes I even say “we’re super”. But the truth is, I’m hurting. I miss my “old life”. I miss sitting on the front row and listening to my husband preach. I miss teaching my kids in Sunday School. I miss the chaos of Awana night. I miss singing in the choir. I miss the sweet hugs, encouragement and words of wisdom from dear elders in our church. I miss leading women. I miss being a part of the day to day activities of serving a body of believers. I miss everything about “doing” ministry with my husband.
You see, technicaly, I’m still a “pastor’s” wife. Brandon is on the “pastoral” staff at Saddleback. But it is in a very different capacity. There is no need or room in his current ministry for me. I know that sounds harsh and I know many of you would say-but he does need you! “He needs you to pray for him and to encourage him and to take care of the home so he can do his important work”. That is all true-but you see I desire more-I believe I was made for more. God has given me unique gifts and abilities and I believe many years ago called me to this role-and so therein lies the struggle.
Saddleback Church is an amazing place that God has His hand of blessing upon. I am humbled to think that I might get to play some small part in what God is doing through this church. I will be leading a kid’s small group this fall, participating in a womens Bible Study, and volunteering in many ways. I’m praying that through these ministries, I will start to feel purpose again. You can pray for me too. For many of you who will read this and I had the privilege of being your “pastor’s” wife-I may have taken it for granted-but life was sweet then. I’m trusting the Father-that it will be “sweet” again.